The Lake

Denver at the lake Cannon Digital Rebel XT

I loved my grandfather. He passed away seven years ago and I was devastated. I lived right down the street from my grandparents and I saw my grandfather everyday for almost 18 years of my life. Whenever I wanted an icecream treat or I was pissed at my parents, I would ride my bike down to see gramps. When I was in kindergarten, my grandfather bought a little cottage on Lake Diane in Camden, Michigan. I loved going up there with him and spending time. It was poorly decorated and grandma had all kinds of embarassing knick knacks in it but we loved it anyways. Several years ago, my parents bought the cottage from my grandmother. I have been going up there for 27 years and I still love it. My parents re-did the decor (thank god) but it is so relaxing and I am so happy when I am there. My dog especially loves it. He can swim whenever he want and he loves to ride in the boat. I am so grateful that my grandpa was wise enough to buy the cottage and that he left a legacy for all the future Rigel's. I miss my gramps everyday but when I am at the lake, I feel that he is right there.

Idiopathic Illness

I have come to hate the word idiopathic over the last two years. Idiopathic is the word doctors use when they can't find the causitive agent of your illness/disease. I never knew one could be so miserable and be in such horrific pain. It all started in June of 04 when I was on a business trip. I got flu-like symptoms and when I returned home the doctors told me I needed my gallbladder out. Three months later, I developed gastroparesis and lost 45 pounds. It didn't end there, shortly I developed constant muscle fasciculations all over my body, miserable lower back pain, tingling in my feet and deep aching pain in my legs. Two years later, I still have all of those symptoms minus the stomach issues but I have also aquired chronic daily headaches, myofacial pain and high intercranial pressure. In a nutshell, there are too many symptoms for one human to endure. There are days that I want to die and give up and then there are days I have hope. The doctors know that I have an autonomic neuropathy but they don't know why. They also know I have a suite of symptoms that don't fit with the diagnosis and have determined I am a puzzle wrapped up in a mystery. I have had just about every test in the medical world and I am coming to the conclusion that there isn't anything the medical community can offer. They just prescribe drug after drug but nothing cures the disease. They say hopefully it will resolve but maybe it won't. At the end of the day, all I have is faith that God still heals diseases. I desparately want my life back. I will live it differently from what I have been through. I just hope I get the opportunity to prove it. I watch everyone elses life going on and my life is on hold. I am so sad but mostly just sick of feeling so terrible. I am sick of people saying "at least you don't have cancer, etc." that doesn't make me feel any better. If I hear that one more time, I am going to go postal. Obviously, I am so grateful I don't have cancer but I do have a dreaded illness that is not well understood in the medical community with no certainty with what my odds truly are. I have learned how important family is during this awful time. My parents have really been there for me. I also have some special friends that I know I can call at any time. I have also learned that some loved ones and friends can't deal with illness so they detach and don't know how to be for me. I find myself wishing my life would have turned out differently. I wish I would have made other choices. I wish I had someone who could really be there for me and know when to hug and when to offer that word of encouragement. I feel so alone most of the time. Illness can give you a deep depression that you never even knew you were capable of. I have taken notes and have reassessed my life. I don't like what I am seeing or who I am seeing in it. I hope that someday I will have the opportunity to help others through illness. I think I could offer that which I desire so much from others and can't get because they haven't walked in my shoes.

My nephew

This is my nephew, Griffin. He turned two in February. I love, love, love him! He is talking up a storm. He has been learning Spanish and English. It's a riot to hear him say Bonjour when he picks up the telephone. He can repeat everything you say. I can't wait to spend more time with him this summer.

Unconditional Love

This is my golden retriever, Denver. My husband and I adopted him from a golden rescue organization. He has a great personality and always wants to play frisbee and ball. We lost our first golden, Simon to cancer at the age of six. I was devestated and I didn't think I could ever love another dog the way I loved Simon. Denver, has won me over in the last couple of months. Denver never goes outside without taking one of his stuffed animals. He has quirky little habbits and hogs the king size bed every night.

Small Town

Everytime I see this picture it makes me smile. It was taken at my parents house last spring. I have lots of great memories there and it always makes me feel better. It is true after two days of being there I get extremely bored but I love it anyway. I grew up in a small farming community in Northwest Ohio called Leipsic. We never had any fast food restaurants or movie theatre. You had to drive 15 - 20 minutes just to go to McDonalds, which by the way I never ate at a McDonalds until I was twelve years old. I still do the same rituals when I get home. I go to the Viking Corner for lunch to get a pizza alumni sandwich (they are yummy) and I go to the small independent drug store to look around. I sit in my dad's hottub and request my favorite meals from Mom. In the last year or so, I have gone home a lot more than usual do to my illness. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom and dad to make everything feel alright even if it really isn't. I wonder whether I will ever feel well or normal again. All I have in life at this moment is the hope that I will.