Ressurecting my blog....

My friend Jen and I at Notre Dame...one of many trips I took last year


After much time has passed, I have finally decided to start blogging again...I spent so many months being so sad that I honestly just couldn't write anymore about my illness or my relationship. I sadly got a divorce last year after 13 years of marriage. When people ask me why I got a divorce...the best answer I have is my marriage was death by a thousand cuts...there were so many issues in the marriage and we couldn't fix it...I never thought I would be divorced and this is not how I imagined my life would be at 39...single, childless and starting over. My ex told me that day we got divorced that he loved me but not as much as I deserved. That pretty much sums it up right there.

I have had many emotions over the last year as I have learned to forgive myself, let lose and attempt to date again. It is scary out there people! I am now going to devote my blog to sharing my new adventures and hopeful that I will find love again. It feels good to be back!

i want to see a monkey...

howler monkey, costa rica, canon digital rebel xti

So back in December, I took a much needed vacation to Costa Rica. The one thing on my life list of things to do was to see a monkey in the wild(preferably in the rain forest). Once we landed in Costa Rica, we set out to visit Volcano Arenal and to not only see the live volcano but to also get a glimpse of a howler monkey. Although we went during the beginning of the dry season... we found out that dry season really only means less rain people! It rained everyday. We never got a good view of Arenal during the day nor did any of our hikes in the rain forest present a monkey. I was bummed and the whole time I kept whining...I want to see a monkey (they are my favorite animal. Finally, one day when we were on photography mission in Liberia so I could take a picture of a famous church, we had something amazing happen. We were driving down a busy highway when I spotted a car crash ahead. People were standing around and looking up in a tree. I thought to myself "Why are those people staring up at the tree?" Just then I looked up and spotted five black bodies up in the tree. I grabbed my camera and bolted out of the car while it was still moving. A whole troop of howler monkeys were on display, including a baby monkey which made my whole trip. After that experience...I became and expert monkey spotter. It turns out all you need to do is look up in the mango trees at sunset and keep your ears open for their sound.

denver gets a new toy...

I thought I would share a video of my best buddy. He got a new monkey toy which is about as big as he is. He provides hours of entertainment for Bryan and I.

reconnecting...

G and T, circa 1993, old pos camera

Have you ever lost touch with friends or people from your past? Recently, I have been reaccessing my life and friendships. Given the facebook craze lately, many friends have found me from college and from highschool. It's been good to see people and hear their story from the past decade or two. It's interesting that some people look exactly as you left them and others... well time has really changed them.

Many days I feel guilty for the friendships I didn't keep up. I feel guilty for losing touch with my maid of honor in my wedding. I miss my best college buddy. I did not get into a fight with these dear friends, they did not wrong me... I got busy, I got lazy and before you know it ten years has gone by.

A few weeks ago, I felt a longing to find my dear friend G from college. We have so many great memories from that era of our life. I found her email and took a chance that she would want to reconnect. It was like we never skipped a beat. In fact, we are having drinks this week.

I vow from today on to cherish and nurture my friendships and to not let anymore pals go by the wayside due to illness, work, or pure self absorption.

search and recover...

pacific ocean, costa rica, canon digital rebel xti

I have been quiet for a very long time. I have been going through some difficult times with my health and have not felt like blogging. I have come to some realizations over the past few months. When I first was searching for an answer to my illness it was like I was on a search and rescue mission. I wanted to find an answer and get a cure. I spent countless hours searching...trying to rescue myself. Well after five long years, I have started to accept that I am in in a search and recover phase. I am accepting that although the doctors know what I have as far as the autonomic small fibre neuropathy, they don't know why I have it. Most likely they never will. I have had so many tubes of blood taken and so many tests for genetic, and acquired causes of my disease. So far... still no cause. I have to move on. I have to accept this and figure out how to move on from it. I have to accept that I may never be a mom. I have to accept my friends and not be jealous of the their lives and of being parents. I must move on for me and for my family.

It saddens me so to think that so many things will be out of my reach. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I also have fear of any non-related illness that happens to me even the common cold. For fear it is related to my disease or that it will be incurable just like my other disease. I am trying to stay strong. Trying to move past these feelings.

For now I am making a choice to recover as best I can with a glimmer of hope of some advancement in the future which could make me whole again.