Sunday, March 08, 2009

search and recover...




pacific ocean, costa rica, canon digital rebel xti


I have been quiet for a very long time. I have been going through some difficult times with my health and have not felt like blogging. I have come to some realizations over the past few months. When I first was searching for an answer to my illness it was like I was on a search and rescue mission. I wanted to find an answer and get a cure. I spent countless hours searching...trying to rescue myself. Well after five long years, I have started to accept that I am in in a search and recover phase. I am accepting that although the doctors know what I have as far as the autonomic small fibre neuropathy, they don't know why I have it. Most likely they never will. I have had so many tubes of blood taken and so many tests for genetic, and acquired causes of my disease. So far... still no cause. I have to move on. I have to accept this and figure out how to move on from it. I have to accept that I may never be a mom. I have to accept my friends and not be jealous of the their lives and of being parents. I must move on for me and for my family.

It saddens me so to think that so many things will be out of my reach. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I also have fear of any non-related illness that happens to me even the common cold. For fear it is related to my disease or that it will be incurable just like my other disease. I am trying to stay strong. Trying to move past these feelings.

For now I am making a choice to recover as best I can with a glimmer of hope of some advancement in the future which could make me whole again.

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