two steps forward, three steps back...

Michael Angelo steps, Florence, Italy, canon digital rebel xti

I have been really struggling lately... I feel like just as I move forward something happens and I fall down the steps. I am battling excruciating headaches again and I fear my lumbar shunt is not working any longer. I hate to think about going under the knife yet again. I just want to scream. I keep telling myself this too shall pass but even I am doubting whether I will ever get this illness under control for the long haul. I feel that it has ruined my life in so many ways. I have already lost so much... friendships, being a mother, relationships, promotions, lack of focus, and a general withdraw from others.

Recently I was reading Susannah's blog and her latest post resonated with me. It is hard for me to be around "normal" people. It's hard for me to connect with them when they are healthy, happy, etc. I see people having babies or in a phenomenal relationship with lots of love and although I am happy for them, I am very sad for me.

I just need to pull it together and get past this latest set back. I wish I could be "normal" again. I wish someone could put me back together and that I could be the person I once was so long ago.